Thursday, August 30, 2012

this is what happens.....

This is what happens when someone else gets a hold of your camera.

Sunday, August 26, 2012

Life can settle down a bit now

As summer draws to a close, I'd like to tell life to slow down a little bit. We've had a rather ..odd summer.
Jax had his stitches at the water park
Then there was the whole benedryl incident
Then we had ear infections (both boys and myself)
The odd summer colds(the boys)
Then Bella broke her wrist
The funeral...
Everything seemed to happen too quickly. I know there were more things in there. And I remember thinking "can we please go ONE WEEK without a visit to the doctors or urgent care?"
and then we didn't. I joked with the urgent care staff about frequent flyer miles or perhaps having a punch card, after so many visits, its free...

It was an unusually hot and dry summer. We had temperatures over 100 and heat advisories. I remember when we were on our mini vaca at the water park, the ground was SO HOT, that you had to wear shoes in between things. Wisconsin was part of the drought. We went many days without rain and our grass around here was dry and brown. I was relieved to see rain and that brought(after some time) our grass green again.

We did alot of swimming, playing outside, smores, fireworks(before the no burning ban), had many park days, saw alot of grandma and grandpa, on both sides, did alot of crafts, played some video games(as my boys are mario crazy) and just did lazy summer things.

As our summer draws to a close, I never thought I'd be burying my yaya. Grandma yaya got her name from my oldest. I did some single parenting stuff for a while. I worked two jobs. My parents would watch my oldest while I was at work. I worked second shift, so they brought him back to my place, and my grandma would take over, bathe him and play with him and put him to bed. He was 1 at the time, and they adored eachother. She may have been in her 80's but let me tell you, she was quick and agile and they definately were attatched to eachother. She sang to him in german and I swore up and down he spoke german the first two years because none of us could understand him. I'd come home from my second shift job and my place would be spotless, laundry done and grandma yaya and I would watch golden girls and chit chat like a bunch of teens. She never really slept much, so she'd spend the night frequently as I worked on call for the ambulance, she'd be up by like 3 am , watching tv, doing more laundry and I'd get up often and chit chat with her. Even when I wasn't working for the ambulance, she'd come up, and spend the night. We'd cook together, make new things, go for walks, and just talk. We'd go for drives, and she loved spending time with my oldest. When the weather was stormy or even predicting storms, Yaya and I were both so scared of them. She'd come over and we'd watch the weather channel and get a bag for Jace ready to go incase the tornado sirens went off, then we'd drive down the block to my mom's house. If she wasn't at my house when the sirens went off, I"d pack Jace up, drive down to her apt, and pick her up. I"ll NEVER forget the time I picked her up, sirens a-blarin, and its her and two old lady friends of hers trying to get into my car, and they're older so they're slower and I"m like "Grandma! if this were life or death, we'd all die" and we were cracking up. What was even funnier? When we arrived at my parents house with 3 little old ladies, Jace and I. The look on my mom's face...LOL.

My grandmother was also a lady who never put herself first. I remember growing up, she took care of my grandfather. He died about 20 years ago, but he was diabetic, had a few heart attacks and she took care of him until the day he died. Then her sister, the oldest of 6 kids, came to live with her. My grandmother and her sister Ella, spoke german when they were together and didn't want us kids to catch on what they were saying. They'd speak it in the car, in the house, wherever, as long as something needed to be said that us kids shouldn't hear. Her sister fell and broke her hip and went into a nursing home, because my grandmother ended up sick herself and had some work done on her heart. Even with her sister in the nursing home, she still was there daily, if not more than once a day. She washed her clothes, took her things, answered her billion of phone calls. And on top of that, She would visit the cemetary daily as well. She also drove us kids around, or came to the rescue if we forgot something or needed something or were sick. She just always put others first. That was how she was.

When I had Jace, my oldest, it was like immediate that those two were joined, almost at the heart. For 80 years young, she sure took great care of him. She raised 4 kids of her own had plenty of us grandchildren and loved keeping busy. I remember, every time she came over, she brought something for Jace. Whether it be things like coco krispies(her favorite) or Swiss Miss pudding(also her favorite) , she never came empty handed. I grew up very close to my grandmother, as did alot of us grandkids. We lived for the days to sleep over at grandmas, she let us put her hair in rollers and do her make up and let us play dress up with her clothes. We watched shows like "the Stattler brothers" and "lawerence Welk" and I remember she'd watch "beavis and butthead" with us. The next morning, she'd make a big breakfast and we'd hang out there much of the day. If we could get away with more time there, we would.

Yaya was completely independent until about 2 years ago. She lived on her own, drove her own car, and still did her daily phone calls to everyone to see what we were up to, where we were going, how work was, what the kids were doing. She had this habit of calling everyone every day. If she couldn't find one of us, like my mom, she'd call me and say "where's your mom, I can't find her" and if I didnt find my mother, she'd get in her car to drive around. Even if my mom had just missed the phone call. We developed a system that if one of us were going somewhere, we'd "check in"..I'd call her and say "grandma, I'm going ___________" and tell her that I would call her apon getting back home. And she'd do the same thing "now don't worry, I"m going with the girls to the foot doctor, then lunch, but I"ll call when I get home".. ok. As a whole family we did this. There were a few times we'd forget of course, her included and we'd basically be banging down her door, afraid we'd find her laying dead somewhere in her apartment. Even when she didn't drive so much anymore, she'd call me several times a day. We lived close, so I'd take the kids over. We'd still go places.

When her memory started to go, she'd call and it would be quite funny and cute because I guess only I ask a nurse, spending many years in the nursing home, can appreciate the humor inside the dementia like this. My one director called it "therapeutic fibbing"..or you'd play along, instead of doing the obvious redirecting them and most times embarrasing who you're working with. She call and say "who is this? why did you call me" and I"d say "oh its me yaya, I called because I wanted to know if you made cupcakes today" even though she'd call me. Or she'd call when I was at work and talk with my husband, and I had to teach him to kinda go with it, and play along. He learned to chat with her and put her at ease incase she thought she couldn't find one of us, and if it ever got bad, he'd call me at work and tell me "yaya needs your help" and I'd stop what I was doing at work, and give her a call. She continued to loose her memory, not always remembering our names, but our faces were remembered. She made up nicknames for many of us. She had to stop living on her own because it was becoming a saftey risk. During storms, instead of calling me, she'd pace the hallways and try to find someone to comfort her, and she'd leave the stove on and things like that. So she moved out with my aunt for a while. Even during those days, she'd call. And she'd whisper funny things into the telephone, how she was being held hostage or something just as cute, or tell me "I have lots of money" and want us to come pick her and her money up. About a year ago, she broke her hip one morning at my aunts house and from there, went into a nursing home. By then her dementia had really advanced. She was upset knowing the nursing home wasn't "home" but she couldn't really figure out where she was. We'd remind her, visit her constantly, it was like the tables were turned. We'd visit her like she used to visit us. We'd walk around the nursing home (or she was pushed in her wheel chair, in her case) . The girls at the nursing home took great care of her, kinda taking her under their wing and watching closely over them, as I knew alot of girls there. During her decline in her dementia, she went from this quiet little lady who never got mad, to this rowdy 80 lb woman who you'd better not dare mess with. She kept the girls on their toes, , she was quick in that wheel chair, she was always eating other peoples snacks, like the workers snacks, and they'd let her They polished her nails, and let her "fold laundry" and entertained her,when like usual, she'd be up half the night. I'd bring them candy treats that were kept in her room as a special thank you for working so hard and for loving her the way I did. There were some girls who took a special liking to her and I'd get reports on her ,and I always was very comforted knowing she was in great hands. Even if she was really rowdy and someone would call me, I'd go down and see her bellering at some of the staff and trying to get out of her wheel chair and we would all just crack up because she was a whole 80 lbs and she truly believed she was in charge. We'd often get her settled back in and I'd tuck her into bed after putting her PJ's on...and I knew her sleep wouldn't last long because thats how she was wired. When she really started to slip at the end, they gave her a baby to hold onto, and some clothes to change her and undress her and redress her. I've found this very common in women with dementia who took care of their children. Holding a fake baby causes some huge relief in them. Of course, we all thought SHE believed it was real...until she told her daughter one day "you know that thing isn't real right?" lol. She didnt want to hurt my other aunts feelings who was holding it for her, nor did she want to hurt anyone else's feelings .

She passed rather quickly. Last Tuesday I recieved a call from my mom saying that my aunt had called HER and let her know the nursing home called and she had taken a turn for the worse. I rushed to be with her, and spent much of the day there. We were all there throughout the day, crying, joking, laughing, remembering things about her. She spent so much time taking care of us and others, that she was still very restless in her bed . Her legs kept going and going. At one point we believed she was going to hop right out of that bed. She was put on hospice and further went downhill as the day went on. I left here and there to tend to my family. I was home the last time for not even an hour, and she passed.

I miss her. I miss her more than words can even express. I feel like I spent such a great deal of time with her when it was Jace and I. She was the kind of person who didn't see flaws in people, she just loved you for who you were. She never said a harsh word about anyone. Even if I had a bad day, I'd come home to her at the end of it and she'd fix a snack and we'd turn on the golden girls and Yaya would fall asleep and I'd scold her and she'd always say "I"m just resting my eyes, I can still hear it"... or if the place was a mess she'd say "this isn't messy, my mother always said toys were not a mess"... or she'd always say something nice, about what you were wearing or your hair or something..just that little extra pick me up. When I went through a hard time in my life and did that whole single parenting thing for a while, she'd let me be mad about it, let me vent about it, and then we'd gab like a bunch of women on a "why men suck" type She never let you stay sad for long. She didn't like to see anyone upset or cry, and she had such an outstanding sense of devotion to her family. And my friends would stop over, and as my friends always did, accepted Yaya as part of me. It didn't matter what time it was , or what day it was , or who was home. They'd come in, they didn't have to knock or ring the door bell. My door was always open. ...yaya there or not. If she wasn't there, they'd question where Yaya was. She was just a part of our every day life. She accepted my friends as part of her own group. She cared about them , asked after them, and joined us in our conversations, no matter what they were. So many people referred to her as "grandma yaya" I don't think she truly understood the people she reached. I believe her love for life showed and her love for everyone showed and thats why people just reached out right back to her. She'd ask me "well who wants to hang out with an 80 year old lady"..and we'd all say "oh grandma, we do of course!" becasue it was true.

I think part of me grieved when she went into the nursing home and her dementia took her. I grieved for that part of her that was almost..missing. I know and understand dementia and alzheimers. when I was 17 I became a certified nursing assistant and then went onto be a nurse. So I understand the progression. But I lost that person a long time ago. I never ever loved her less. I never treated her differently. When I visited, I talked to her like I usually would. I rambled on and on about things she used to ask about. She didn't remember my name, but I knew in her eyes, my face was familar. When others would visit, sometimes they didn't know what to say, or what to talk about. Even the day she was dying, as she laid there, no one spoke alot TO her..I did. I didn't care if I looked or sounded foolish. I accepted all this as normal and wanted to carry on as it should be. I believe hearing is the last thing to go, that at least if she could hear we were there, it was some comfort knowing the people who loved her the most were surrounding her when she needed us.

She will always hold a special place in my heart. I think she was one of the best people I ever knew. If I could have one day with her, I'd go back to when Jace was small, and we'd sit out in our lawn chairs , with my neighbor and just chat..catch up.... laugh... but I know shes in a better place. And she'd want us to carry on, to pick up and move about life like she did. But theres a pretty big void here lady, I just wanted you to know that. And every time I hear about the Golden Girls, I think of you. And every time the Andy Griffith tune comes on, I think of you and how Jace used to sing that before he could even every time the phone rings, I always still wonder if its you calling, but its not.

Thursday, August 23, 2012

My yaya

My yaya became an angel the other day. She was a spectacular woman who always put the needs of others before herself. She loved her family with greatness and loved us even though like humans, we'd screw up from time to time. She never saw our faults as bad things, she just simple would hug you and not mention it again.She would stop everything she was doing if you needed her.
She took care of my grandfather who had diabetes and was ill for a long part of his life. She made sure he always came first. She took care of him until the day he died almost 20 years ago.
Then she took her sister in and took care of her until she had fallen and broken her hip.

She lived a long and wonderful life. She was very independent until like 2 years ago when she went to live with my aunt . She herself fell one morning and broke her hip and was sent to a nursing home. She also was in the stages of dementia and needed more care. The people who took care of her were just as caring and wonderful and it put us all in extreme comfort knowing she was being well taken care of.

I will miss her because she was my yaya. I will miss the phone calls from her and the daily visits she used to give. She helped me through tough times in life and none of that can ever be replaced with any monetary worth.

I love you yaya.

Thursday, August 16, 2012

6 years ago

Cameron A Mageski
My friends son...forever an angel

6 Years ago(as of Friday the 17th) we said goodbye to Cameron.
Cameron was 13, full of life , love and adventure for everything.

6 years ago, Cameron got sick. Cameron had diabetes. He was sick, which is not unusual for any child. However, when he got sick, we all watched a little more carefully. But he seemed to be over it and doing better so we all breathed a sigh of relief. We went back to our daily routines. I was at work one day at the nursing home during breakfast, said "come quick, look at Cam, something is wrong with him" I stopped what I was doing, and rushed to the front door where she had her kids in the van. Cam was a greyish color and something wasn't right. I told his mom Sue, to take him to the ER, and let me know what was going on.He was taken to a local hospital and from there transferred to Childrens Hospital in Milwaukee. He was admitted for dehydration, from where he took a turn for the worst and ended up in ICU. He ended up having some type of seizure and had a breathing tube put in. Turns out during that time, he had alot of pressure in the brain, and suffered a stroke of the brain stem. He had little to no brain activity left.He was also found to have diabetic ketoacidosis. I learned at that time, that cerebral edema happens to kids with diabetes due to ketoacidosis and many physicans have a hard time putting the pieces together to catch this fast enough.
Cameron was given many scans of his brain during this time, to see what progress he had or hadn't made. He was still having alot of increased pressure and had been given surgical intervention to release that pressure . But it wasn't staying controlled. He wasn't really having any "purposeful" movements on his own.

He continued on life support and many medications to try to maintain a quality of life.
His family and friends remained by his side, people poured in by the dozens to visit him and wish him and his family many wishes.
After many tests and trials, Camerons family decided it would be best to take him off life support. He wasn't showing any signs of improvement and his body was starting to shut down. He was on alot of IV meds but theres only so much you can do.
They shut the machines off, shut everything off.... and Cameron went to heaven to be with Jesus.

The picture above is one of the last fishing trips we took before Cam left us. My oldest was two.

We miss you Cam.

Monday, August 13, 2012

I jinxed myself

I so jinxed myself in the last post I wrote. 

Saturday, we are sitting around, just chilling out, family style. You know that means...  Mom and Dad doing seperate things.. Kids chasing eachother....well my 9 year old was playing 3DS.  Bella, pictured above and my youngest 3 year old were rough housing. Chasing and screeching and what not. I was doing some online things and I saw her come out of their room they share. It looked to be that she was tripping coming out of the door, and then righted herself, then lost momentum and hit the floor..which flung her arm into the doorjam of the bathroom directly across from their room.

Now... I'm not a mom who panics when tears start or one falls. I just sit and observe because each of my children take it differently. My oldest, depending on what it is, usually cries big alligator tears, and kinda gets over it..but worries about it constantly for days. My youngest doesn't really ever seem to really notice when he's hurt himself, he just bounces back up and deals with life... we've often wondered about him..HAHA...but Bella..will "drama" up almost ANYTHING she can for attention. She's my drama queen. She will fall down standing completely still, laying on the floor, anything. And its not quiet crying, its sobbing, screeching, yelling, flinging herself about. So when she fell Saturday , this is what she did. So I just kinda shrugged and gave her a few minutes to compose herself because when she's like this, she's not to be messed with or talked to. She just simply needs to do her own thing , then she'll seek out me or my hubby.

Well I kissed her arm, there wasn't any brusing or swelling, nothing. 
Daddy kissed her arm.
 Shes continuing on with the drama. Flinging ..yes flinging her wrist back and forth sobbing "I...can'!" and continued flailing around very dramatic like. 
I'm telling her "Look, Bella, you ARE moving it..just try to calm down" which sent her into a tizzy of a storm.
So after an hour or so of this drama and carrying on, my husband said "just take her in for an xray"..and I'm trying to explain to him... her hand appeared totally normal. She had full range of motion...everything appeared fine. But sometimes have to humor the husband.

So I took her in. She broke her WRIST!!!! for the love of everything green. Seriously? 
So she was in a splint all weekend. Luckily the doc gave her some pain meds because that night it got REAL painful and then we had the drama over taking the
Today the cast went on and she's VERY proud of it. She'll be entering kindergarten come september with her pink cast.

Can mommy have a break now?

Friday, August 10, 2012

things that happen at my house

Seriously, sometimes I wonder about my kids.

I mean.. the things that come out of their mouths. The other day Bella and I were talking about the weather and when we talk about a "chance" of storms, we always talk about  " daddy keeps you safe during storms, thats daddy's job." and then we said "if it storms at grandmas house, grandpa keeps you safe during storms"... She looks at me, and then says "nuh uh momma. Grandpa makes grandma sleep on the side of the bed near the window and doesn't give her any room and every night she about falls right out the window".

Grandpa safe theory debunked by a 5 year old.

My 3 year old son must have been born without coordination or grace. He's constantly falling down, injuring himself but doesn't ever really seem to feel much pain. He's constantly falling outta beds. His bed, our bed, etc. Our bed sits kinda high and almost every night he falls off. And MOST of the time, he either doesn't seem to notice and will stay asleep or kinda picks himself up and puts himself back up into the bed. And goes back to sleep without issues. Or note of any injury. Sometimes theres nights where he will fall out more than once. Tonight, he fell out, scaring both his dad and I. He was on the floor about 4 minutes and my husband and I were watching to see if he'd stay on the floor and sleep or get up. We kept looking back at eachother wondering how long we should stand there. Suddenly he pops up and yells "I want chocolate milk!" and goes back to sleep in our bed.


My oldest talks in his sleep almost every night. Usually he's a very sound sleeper and doesn't require talking back , as in, keeping a conversation. Some nights he does, and will wait for you to contribute to the conversation. He even sleep walks. If I shut the bathroom door, he will run STRAIGHT into it. And if you're asleep and this happens, it scares the bejeezus out of you, because all you hear is BANG. But the other night he must have been in a lighter sleep and I sneezed and he like hollered out and about scared me. Because once my kids are asleep, you could turn on a bulldozer next to their heads without much reply. And a while later my husband sneezed and once again he yells something I'm not sure, but scared me again. And as much as I'm used to him talking in his sleep , some nights I MUST not be sleeping soundly because he'll talk and its one of those "omg, who's in the house" type feelings and scares you and your heart races until you realize what it is, and by that time you're wide awake. And just as I had my racing heart calmed down and was drifting asleep, he yells something else! BOOM, scared me again.

But yet, in the wee hours of the morning, when children feel the need that "Omg the sun is up, we must also be up" because obviously children don't know the art of sleeping in past sunrise, they'll ask me things in my sleep, knowing full well that usually I'll give them the answer they want. Like "Mom can I have doritos"....and "mom can we play Wii?"...and then when I come to a fully awake state, I"m all "why are you eating doritos playing wii and the sun is barely up!" and I get "well we asked you and you said  yes"...


Its a wonder I get any "good" sleep with children wandering, falling out of the bed, climbing in my bed, turning sideways, backwards and rolling around while in bed.... children trying to walk into closed bathroom doors, having conversations with me...and then theres "Momma, come potty with me"... Sleep isn't what it used to be. Its like up, down, up , down, heart rate up, down, start to fall asleep BAM, up

but when they're NOT in the house...I feel as if part of me is missing...