Thursday, January 20, 2011

about me perhaps?

I don't talk alot about "ME" in this blog. However I started this blog cautiously. There are parts of me that are private and will continue to stay private, at least in the public light. Its not really because I'm hiding things, I just don't talk about them because they don't make or break who I am.

1. I'm 30. I turned 30 in September. Which means I"m a virgo. I don't follow the whole horoscope thing, so I can't even tell you if what it SAYS I am is true. *shrugs*, its one less thing cramping my brain. I know my birth stong is blue. I LOVE BLUE, so its fitting.

2. My parents are still married. Which is this day and age not many people can say. My mom married my dad when she was 16. This means they've been married quite a while. I don't know how long, or how old she is ,because age doesn't matter. I do know my father is.. 54 maybe? going on 55 this year. I only know this because the year WE got married he had a heart attack and that year we jokingly had a birthday party with a joke about "almost didn't make it to 50 party.

3. I had my first son when I was 23. He's my rock and my everything and without him during those times, I don't know how in the hell I would have pulled through the issues and situations I was going through. I have a wonderful family support system, and friends of course but this tiny being looks at you and doesn't ask to be in the middle of whatever is going on and expects you to just go on living life the best you can. And I did. Because I had to, because he relied on me and I turned to him to bring me through. And he did. And he'll never ever know how much I love him because of that.

4. I had my second child , my daughter when I was 27. My two older ones are almost exactly 4 years apart. like 45 days away from being 4 years exactly. I kinda like that. My daughter is really my best friend. She's 3 and shes rough and tumble and girly and snuggly, and demanding and we fight...sometimes alot but I like the fact that she's my only girl. Before I had her, I had 4 years(about, give or take) of all boy stuff. My daughter is what I call "high maintence" because she's really not as easy going as my boys are. But she gives me her unconditional love, just at a higher demand than the other two.

5. I had my last child, my son when I was 28. My last two are 20 months apart. My little one, now just two, fills my days with lots of "NO!" and "what..where did you get that!" and "oh my goodness, what did you do" and taking him off the top of the couch, and taking him offa the counters after he pushed the chairs to the cabinets to get what he wants, and wrestling him in his boyish ways. He's easy going like his olde brother , a snuggler and baby. My last and final baby. Everything with your first is "oh my first child's first steps" and "oh his first birthday"..with this one I feel sometimes like "oh this is the last time we'll celebrate a first birthday" and "this is the last time we'll celebrate a second birthday"..kinda remorse. I don't see any more kids happening..planned anyhow, but we seem complete.

6. I am a domestic abuse survivor. Being 30, sometimes I, for 30 you've been through quite alot and expirenced things and somehow stayed with your head above water. It hasn't been easy. At all. Not even close. I think anyone who has been in a similar situation understands the reasonings and rationals for staying when they shouldn't, keeping quiet when they shouldn't have to, and dealing with what we had to. Without many people knowing, and still coming out mostly ok. People who haven't been in these situations, don't quite get it, and really I'm glad. I"d like to say to them "I"m glad you don't understand, I'm glad you never had to wrap your brain and heart and soul around it" Because I wouldn't want that kinda hurt for others I love. Even for those I don't know and don't "love"...I don't wish that on anyone. But you take it one day at a time, one foot in front of the other. Some days you take it one hour at a time, other days you wake up and take it one breath at a time. They say time heals all wounds. Sometimes I think time doesn't heal all wounds, it just simply sets the scars in place. Like the song that says "and the scars remind me that the past is real" It's still there, the hurt, the emotional and physical turmoil, however, that place is now covered and hardened and doesn't quite feel the way it used to when passed over. Does it make the past any less hurtful? NOPE. It just makes me realize that people are capable of going through alot when they've hit rock bottom.It makes me realize that God never truly gives you what you can't handle. It was hard and frustrating and heart wrenching and so many other emotions I can't put words to . But you have to go on. You HAVE to. You don't have a choice. There is no re-do, there is no start over, and going back to the past would be like walking backwards, and that's not natural. You push forward, and in a way its like following the steps of grieving. You have to let yourself feel what it needs to and your brain needs time to process all this information that goes along with it.
Do I talk about it? hardly ever....seriously, because its in the past. And like I said, thats going backwards, and again thats like walking backwards, and not natural... however it changed who I am, but doesn't define me. Would I change this part of my life? No. Why? Because it would change the course of events and I wouldn't be where I am today.

I guess that's it for now. Actually that's a huge thing for me to talk about. I don't post about this, or about myself much, at least here in public. Because that's how I am.

1 comment:

  1. thank you for sharing your heart with us. first time visitor and now follow you.